Last Ink

With a mug of coffee on the table, I fixed my vision on it. sometimes my gaze follows the dancing vapour abducted by the empty cold space as it slowly soars in the air. when my view had fully convinced on the absence of any further vapour, it shifted back to the white coffee surface, trying to locate new fresh vapour and start another cycle.

Like a merry go round.

Blinding orange light is emitted by a gold table lamp, directed onto my orbits' paths. the remaining rays shone in all directions, lighting up mostly right corners of the room. The left spaces are tinted dimly though. I haven't switched it off till now. from the very moment I switched it on, I haven't switch it off back. not because I am lazy, but because I am scared to coldness. Though it clearly doesn't warm up the room much, at least it gives warmth to my eyes that makes my world.

Since I have just lost my warmth.

Behind the coffee mug, there's a glass of pot pourri. They are dried winter flowers; pine cones, cypress, jasmine, and jujube, most dyed in soft baby blue and beautifully trapped in a big glass vase. they gave out such a pleasant aroma, refreshing and sweet. but now no longer.

Time has consumed their beauties and all associates. the remains are just helpless bodies.

Merely insulated in my house, the only direct view to the outside world is a medium-sized window, setting a gloomy white background behind all the set up on the table. Tiny snow flakes are falling effortlessly outside, as my eyes peek through the window intermittently. They make no difference to me if to compare with pouring cereal flakes onto a bowl of milk every morning. The winds are gentle today. Maybe they're tired from the rage on prior season. Blowing out all the yellow saggy fibres stuck on skinny twigs and branches.

that's nature.

Sometimes I rub my feet together, or twitch my nose, or scratch my head with a pen in my right hand.
Sometimes I just be still and listen to my breathing.
Sometimes I don't really know which one I am doing, well most of it.

Because I am not here most of the time. I was years before this moment. 

I was indeed walking into my self hours ago. I left my body, my façade, behind. I went into the very part of me, inside my brain, a small room where I love to sit in and enclose myself within. Spending hours of my life, without having to worry about anything.

Nothing.

The room is reddish. Bright red with pale orange tint throughout. Though I am terribly claustrophobic, it is amazing how a very small room can give me the comfort I seek when my biggest fear haunts me. Inside the room, there's a small white coffee table and a black bean bag. A big brown wooden vault sat left to the table, embossing a simple animal carvings, simple yet animated enough to warm the atmosphere. I check the lock, it is tightly secured. I forgot where the key was actually. I always forget.

With a big sigh, I slumped on the bean bag, slowly it ingests me half way. My old tired back muscles and spine moulded perfectly according to where gravity pulls them. Heaven. I then put both of my legs onto the table, resting them after the long walk. crossing them together, with the right on the left. I wiggled my feet to loose out the shoes. they fell off, one dropped onto the surface of the table, the other one fell straight onto the base.

I close my eyes, decided to give up to the sleepy drug offered by the peaceful surrounding. My lids were heavy enough to let the opposite hair follicles kiss and sealed the gap.

Dark... Darker... Pitch Black... Blank

........

...........

..............

"Ouch!" a sharp pain stings my right ear. I rubbed the point where I believe to be the source of the annoying pain repeatedly, the very minimal strategy adopted to prevent any slight movements to my eyes and ruined the peace. The pain signals slowly fades away. Genius.

"Ouch!" Again. Keep doing the same thing. Once proven success, why change? Hypothesis proven. Faded away. Peace resumed. Happiness guaranteed.

....

.....

.......

"Ouch!" "Argh!!!" It pissed me off.

I am a hot tempered person. I am. Though I do not look like it, sometimes I believe there's a dragon inside me, pumping up fire, heating up my anger over small things within few minutes. This time it is good enough though since it takes me the third to drop my dreadful bomb.

I jerked and be on my knee, offensively and defensively shaped, like a cat's position securing a tiny mouse to be it's about to be mauled toy. Automatically my saccade is confirmed and focused; with full maximum zoom on the suspected location, I try to capture the culprit instantly red handed - all these for a neat catch. sleek and classy; that's how I always prefer my prompt to be.

However,

I never expect my prey could weakens me, but indeed it is.

our eyes met,
our faces are inches away,

I swallowed hard the saliva left over from God-knows-since-when my drool. It gives off the loudest gulping sound I have ever heard in my entire pathetic life.

It looks very calm. My hand is held by its hand. My hand which I have predetermined and instructed to smash it to pieces, to punish the disturber of my sleep seconds ago, is now fragile; held in its wrapping five fingers. the popping veins are now fully dilated and hid deep inside the fat layers in my arm.

Its on its both knee too, leaning a bit closer forward, so close that I could feel gushes of smooth breeze coming from its airways. Close enough that I tried my best not to let any air out from my airways, since I know that would contaminate the smooth lovely air. Though I am not a swimmer, nor an athlete with a good skill of holding my breath, I force myself to shut all the sphincters, keep the dirty-earthy mortal air from being smelled by the creature which right now staring at me continuously.

The dragon inside me now is no longer making fire to exacerbate my anger as always, the dragon now attack my cheeks. Firing vigorously until both my cheeks are now puffed with solid scarlet.

Not too far beneath, my chest was screaming in pain. My heart endlessly head-butting my chest. pounding loudly, it makes me more nervous. Though my chest is fairly thin, it is not painful, it screams because its too nervous. I am generally indeed a panicky person. in this situation, the heart is taking an advantage. what a cold heart.

I tried to shift away, I instruct my neck to rotate away my head, to stop making fool of myself in front of the beautiful form in front. But it refused to move. Instead my neck becomes more stiff. contracting all the supporting muscles, so my head won't move even a degree angle away. Pivoting to one sole direction - a straight axis onto the staring face opposite mine.

I resorted to my last hope. my right hand, which always have been my hero. my plan was to push the creature away, and wish it vanishes into nothingness. sounds a good plan to me.

I moved my right hand, and as I have expected, it follows. Nice.

With a gentle strike, I aim for the creature's centre, its bare chest.

I open my airways, sucked in all the air available, generate massive amount of energy, and in instant without realising I shove the creature by launching my strong loyal right fist,

but

it stopped.

it held my right hand. interlocking our fingers, it brought the joined fingers together to the space in between us. 

" Have you forgotten me? "

the question hit my eardrum like a full speed truck smash a wall. the sound echoed inside me, resonating in every cavities inside my skinny body. it makes my heart stops pounding. it makes the dragon stops breathing. it makes my blood still. it makes my muscles stop working. my jaw dropped. My head hanged loose. my eyes drooped. my hunch gave up. My knee shakes and gave in,

I fell down.  

It caught me with its arm. Holding me tight so I wouldn't sink in the ground.

How can I forget? How can I forget such an amazing person I have ever been with. How can I forget the one who shaped my smile. How can I forget the one who taught me how to laugh. How can I forget the one who told me the meaning of happiness. The one who taught me life. The one who had fought armies of fears with me.

I am sorry but since the day you left me, I forget those things you have taught me. Because when you are gone, you took away those things. You brought with you everything. All left was the other gloomy and sad things. The things I learnt myself. All by myself.

It then hold my cheek and lift it, so we face each other.

" I am sorry "

The last word stabbed me. That is the only word I wish never escape from its mouth.

" I am sorry I left you that early. But things are supposed to be as they are, and..."

I pushed the cosy wrapping away, the touch I longed for years. I stood up with courage I never know where I took it and set up my journey out from the room. because the continuing words are going to poison me to death. choking my sanity to my last breath, squeezing out my life like a sponge rolled off by a war tank.

" You forget your shoes "

I don't fucking care about my shoes, I have lots of shoes. Many years have passed, so as the number of times I fought terrible feelings and helplessness, running away from being a child again as you taught me, I am not risking those clean record with turning back and pick up a 'pair of shoes'? I am not that stupid.

For all these years I have been struggling to forget you and everything about you. Now I barely do, I do not want to put all the painstaking hard works over nothing. 

over a ' pair of shoes '

I paced my walk towards the door, well just four steps since the room is small. But though it sounds easy, they are indeed heavy. Then I met the door and ready to make an epic exit.

" Do you remember the day when you forget your life? "  

Nice catch.

If all the other things I want to erase from my memory is a machine gun, the day when I forget my life will be the trigger. And now, it is being pulled. smooth criminal.

Just like that, I shot my head with sharp bullet of allowing myself to remember and flash back all the memories. the bullet hit my brain, right where I locked all the bad memories, and now they are oozing out, like a thick dark blood. flowing slowly with a warm sensation, giving me sense of dizziness and faint even to smell the fading edges of the clustered twirling memories.

" You do remember. Of course you do " 

The unknown form stood up. Flapping its pearly-green wings few times. trying to put off all the cramps suffered holding me just now. I wonder how long have I been acting like a dead body since its hands and knees look tired.

"  But you have been deceiving yourself all along. You know you cannot keep up with this don't you? You are at your limit now. You better stop torturing yourself before.."

" Before what?! " I let out my anger with a loud yelling. " Before I die? I am dying anyway, there is nothing to stop, and there is nothing to talk about".

" I am watching you, you know that. I cannot let myself watching you hurting yourself just to hurt me. You know I can't do that." The angel; I presumed, said with a very convincing tone. 

" I am punishing myself. So let me be. I cannot afford to live in guilt. Even if I am not, people around me are punishing me, I have been thrown away from people's life quite often, I think now it's my turn to throw mine so I wouldn't keep making people hate me." I started to reason out. But I think I will lose soon, since it has been always like that before.

" Have you forgotten so many things that even the most fundamental things are forgotten as well? " 

The angel strike out a strong rhetoric. It feels like someone just punched me on my face and break my nose cartilages. Indeed a dire hit. I know where the angel going to with the question. My weakness.

I turned around and looked at its face. The face that never fail to make me stare in awe. I must look terribly lost and sad, that makes the angel flew to me and gave me a hug. 

" I don't know how to be strong any more. No matter how hard I have tried, I cannot see the light. My nights are filled with nightmares, even to sleep makes me scared. I am completely lost, I am no longer who I was before. I lost myself. " I whispered. I have to, since my words are no longer fuelled with strength. 

The grip of the hug is tightened.

" Where have you been? I wish you always appear in my dream, turning the horror to happy ending. I convinced myself that you always up there looking after me, but who would continuously believe in such thing? The sky look the same no matter how long I stare at them, I can never see even your shadow. I visit your grave when I really miss you, but you know I can't be there. They won't let me visit you. They hate me. They say I kill y..." 

" shh.." the angel abruptly finish my hanging words. asking me to shut my mouth. 

silence

" You know my novel has reached to its end. My character is no longer needed. So I returned. It's no one's fault. It's not your fault too. You know it is not..."

" How come I will believe something that everyone is not? " I strike my punching words. Pain radiates in my chest. I feel like it's going to burst soon, exposing the cold heart.

The angel make a step back, releasing the hug and make a tiny gap in between us. We face each other again. " Why do you have to believe what everyone is? The thing matters most is what you believe, and you know I believe what you believe. " 

I hate when I can no longer fight my words. I succumb to the claim. It is right though. Plus, the angel used to be my 'everyone'. 

"Here" the angel voiced out while handing me a key.

" Open the vault. You'll be surprised of what you will see" the words are intriguing enough. I love surprises. The angel also was someone who always full of surprises. Not excluding the way It leaves this world. It surprised everyone. Indeed the biggest and saddening surprise for a lot of people. It surprised me too, that it took years for me even to make myself believe.

I received the key. It is not golden as I have expected, nor silver, brass or whatever metallic colours are. It is         

instead a glass. A glass key is so not practical. If this is being sold in supermarkets, people will definitely complain. this may be a prank.

I didn't complain. I took the key and made my way to the vault. The lock is metal. 

Its not matching. deep inside I knew this is a joke. It's going to break in no time. I knelt down beside the vault, held the dangling metal lock in my cold palm, and ready it's hole to be pierced by the fragile glass key.

I glanced back to the angel. It nodded. Signalling a sign of ' just shut up and do what I told you'. Like a donkey, I followed. 

I struck the key in, and clicked the secret gate inside the lock. Surprised indeed I am even to know it is functional though it is of different things. well, I have seen so many unmatched things complement each other, why the fuss?

I pulled out the key. But only the holder remains. small shattered glasses fell of from the lock. they are the broken glasses I supposed.

I opened the vault. I dip my head inside the opened box. nothing else but an envelope.

classic. nice try, but I have seen this in dramas. disappointing. 

I look back to the angel. Excited to announce my silly childish happiness of successfully opening the vault and to complain the simplicity of the surprise. But, 

Nothing. Its gone.

Again its left me. If I knew this would happen, I would have spared some more time with it. I was pretending to get out of the room earlier just to earn a hug and it worked. If I knew it will be gone the moment I was immersed in trying to open this stupid ugly box, I would have refused. I was heartbroken. Again. If you are going to disappear again, just don't f***ing show up in the first place. 

Do you love hide and seek so much? How if you let me hide this time and try to feel how sad it is to be the one who seeks. 

I hate you. I hate to know that I need you. I hate to be someone who always need you. I hate my life because all I can see is you. I hate my life because it is not filled with you. I hate my life because I can't spend it with you. I hate to know that all I know is to hate.

I punched the vault. then I punched it again. I know I wouldn't even hurt the vault and release my anger, I just continue punching. I hope the vault would turn into a monster and eat me up. so I wouldn't have to live with this pain again. But the vault didn't turn into monster. It stays as it is. Like I do. I stayed as I am. I stayed as the pathetic sad mortal since I lost my warmth.

I should have known the glass key means something. Temporary existence. Sacrificing itself to unlock a hardened heart - me.

with a swollen hand, I then took the envelope.

It is a grey envelope. Your favourite colour. very old style, your style. I flipped it and see the back of it. nothing's written there. Just a row of small dates. 

May 2003.

That's when we argued so bad. Why should you wrote that? It is the day when we were playing in the paddy field. It is when all the paddy were harvested. I still remember the sound of big paddy machine operated in a distant. Cows were eating the leftover stalks. we were in slippers. you made me walk in the mud. you said that overcoming your fear makes you strong. I never believe in such things. You pushed me inside. I was burning in fear. I said I hate you, snatched your slippers and throw them away. I left you alone and got back home. 

Then under that, jotted few other dates. few strikes me the most.

August 2006

Ah, I remember this day. This was when we climbed the water tank tower behind your school. It was midnight. We evaded security guards successfully. Even thinking about it makes me smile. You showed me your favourite beings - the stars. I was scared of height, but you assured me. We stared till early morning at around 2am. we must be so crazy that time. then you brought me to your class, just to experience the thrill. It was pitch black. Though I was scared, It was exciting enough to keep me going. Then you left me in the class, excuse given is you needed toilet. I wasn't letting that to happen but you said that toilets are scarier than this class, so I surrender. Hoping time will fly soon since I am so afraid of the dark. But you never came back. I was so angry. I went out back alone but I met you on the way. You tried to explain but I was soaked in cold sweats and furious. We argued.

April  2008

How can I forget this date. It is when I received the biggest revelation. The biggest answer to my life. The ultimate answer to all my confusions. The ultimate truth to true to be taken. The truth that shatter my life to pieces.

Ultimately, I know why you have been so good to me. 

How can everyone lies. How can everyone kept this from me.  And ultimately, how come you never a single word, tell me what you have known for so long.

The fact that I am different. I am sick. I am retarded. I am despised. I am lacked.

That is why no one likes me but you!

and no one understands me but you!

Today is the day I forget my life. And today is also the day you left me. forever.

The day I tried to kill myself, disgusted by all the lies put up by you and my parents, saying that everyone else was wrong, but trust them because they are right,

and the reasons why you make me strong, is because I am not, and you wanted me to learn,
and stand on my own. But I can't.

And I did something very stupid, which is to ran away from home and find a way to end all these lies, these hatred, these unfairness - by standing in the middle of the road, hoping someone will drive fast and put a dot in my life story

but instead you went away. You lost yourself when you were trying to save me, trying to find me. You drove fast to find me. But it was too fast. too fast for you. and I lost you, too fast to lose you.

I put the last dot on your novel with a permanent ink. Ink that cannot be washed away. The biggest black dot in my life. That I regret till now. Gulped with guilt till now.

-----------------------------------------------------

I wiped the tears. 

I gently opened the envelope as there is nothing else to do. It bears of a folded paper. then, with everything I have, I unfold the paper.

" Waiting for stronger you here, always "

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I came back to my senses, back in my room. It was already dark outside. The coffee is now cold. The orange light is the only source of light that shine the world. 

I quickly try to write down what is written in the paper so I wouldn't forget. I can't see any paper near, so I decided to write it on my palm first as a memo sheet. quick thinking, congratulation. but, as I tried to write down, the pen is not staining anything,

I have already used its last ink.

 LAST INK, 2011